a little death
Met The Boy's best friend in London and her boyfriend for tea, for "approval" (and they apparently highly approve). And so the circle of people who know about the two of us slowly expands and we're establishing ourselves as a couple.
Already his best friend and boyfriend were suggesting that the four of us visit Rome to try real Italian food. And The Boy suggested that we should spend a weekend in Bray to try the Fat Duck and Waterside Inn. And of course, The Boy and myself + YL and her boyfriend Michael have been to Poole for a weekend and had discussed the Fat Duck possibility. And an ex-colleague is keen to double-date with The Boy and myself.
Suddenly, the world seems to be full of couples who are only too eager to welcome their fellow settled two-somes into their lives and rhythms. I used to think that once a friend gets into a relationship, he/she disappears and you never get to see them again because they want to spend all their time with their other halves. Now I realise that is not true at all. The reality is, you lose your friend to the tribe of "Smug Marrieds" who spend most of their non-alone time with other couples, who validate their choice of settling down and they feel more comfortable with.
Somewhat to my surprise, I find that I quite like it, this very civilised couple get-togethers, usually over civilised activities such as brunches, dinners, day trips, board games. The calm staidness is a welcome change to the disorganised madness that has characterised the past seven years. And it amuses me to play the couple.
And to be sure, I like The Boy, and I'm happy with him. Based on anecdotal benchmarks of other boyfriends, I have to say The Boy is doing very well by all measures, although, as far as I had been concerned, I had thought The Boy was lovely and exceptionally sweet in some ways, but mostly just meeting expectations. I didn't think I had very high standards. But, now I'm particularly glad I found him, because clearly I would have dismissed most boys as grossly underperforming.
And yet, being in a couple means the end of other possibilities. I went out to a club last night, and it feels a bit different. Even though I'm rarely on the prowl when I go out clubbing, because I usually just want to dance and have a good time, yet, the potential to meet someone new (and I've had a surprisingly 100% track record of only good encounters at clubs) at clubs or anywhere in life, keeps life that little bit exciting and mysterious. Being with someone and being committed to the concept of loyalty and commitment therefore feels like a little death. I was speaking to another one of my colleagues, a 23-year old frenchie who has met a girl who's a perfect match. But he is in a small sort of denial and doesn't want to think of his girl as being The One because that's denying the possibility of ever kissing and sleeping with anoter girl. And I understand that, being happy with the special person you've found, and yet feeling a faint twinge at the loss of wonder (it is possible to continue to explore exciting new things as a couple of course. but that takes effort especially once history and recriminations build up layer upon layer with the passing of time, whereas changing a partner is so much easier)
Maybe that's part of the reason why couples hang out with other couples. Because people in relationships have closed doors to other possibilities, and hence find it easier to be with people who have done the same too, and it keeps them out of the way of temptations and potential trouble. But I find only hanging out with couples rather stifling at times, because there is inherently compromise, because in most cases, at least one member of each set of couple is making a compromise to fit in or spend time with people who are not his/her natural choice of friends.
For now, I count my blessings that I have a lovely Boy, and some lovely friends who are still single.
Already his best friend and boyfriend were suggesting that the four of us visit Rome to try real Italian food. And The Boy suggested that we should spend a weekend in Bray to try the Fat Duck and Waterside Inn. And of course, The Boy and myself + YL and her boyfriend Michael have been to Poole for a weekend and had discussed the Fat Duck possibility. And an ex-colleague is keen to double-date with The Boy and myself.
Suddenly, the world seems to be full of couples who are only too eager to welcome their fellow settled two-somes into their lives and rhythms. I used to think that once a friend gets into a relationship, he/she disappears and you never get to see them again because they want to spend all their time with their other halves. Now I realise that is not true at all. The reality is, you lose your friend to the tribe of "Smug Marrieds" who spend most of their non-alone time with other couples, who validate their choice of settling down and they feel more comfortable with.
Somewhat to my surprise, I find that I quite like it, this very civilised couple get-togethers, usually over civilised activities such as brunches, dinners, day trips, board games. The calm staidness is a welcome change to the disorganised madness that has characterised the past seven years. And it amuses me to play the couple.
And to be sure, I like The Boy, and I'm happy with him. Based on anecdotal benchmarks of other boyfriends, I have to say The Boy is doing very well by all measures, although, as far as I had been concerned, I had thought The Boy was lovely and exceptionally sweet in some ways, but mostly just meeting expectations. I didn't think I had very high standards. But, now I'm particularly glad I found him, because clearly I would have dismissed most boys as grossly underperforming.
And yet, being in a couple means the end of other possibilities. I went out to a club last night, and it feels a bit different. Even though I'm rarely on the prowl when I go out clubbing, because I usually just want to dance and have a good time, yet, the potential to meet someone new (and I've had a surprisingly 100% track record of only good encounters at clubs) at clubs or anywhere in life, keeps life that little bit exciting and mysterious. Being with someone and being committed to the concept of loyalty and commitment therefore feels like a little death. I was speaking to another one of my colleagues, a 23-year old frenchie who has met a girl who's a perfect match. But he is in a small sort of denial and doesn't want to think of his girl as being The One because that's denying the possibility of ever kissing and sleeping with anoter girl. And I understand that, being happy with the special person you've found, and yet feeling a faint twinge at the loss of wonder (it is possible to continue to explore exciting new things as a couple of course. but that takes effort especially once history and recriminations build up layer upon layer with the passing of time, whereas changing a partner is so much easier)
Maybe that's part of the reason why couples hang out with other couples. Because people in relationships have closed doors to other possibilities, and hence find it easier to be with people who have done the same too, and it keeps them out of the way of temptations and potential trouble. But I find only hanging out with couples rather stifling at times, because there is inherently compromise, because in most cases, at least one member of each set of couple is making a compromise to fit in or spend time with people who are not his/her natural choice of friends.
For now, I count my blessings that I have a lovely Boy, and some lovely friends who are still single.
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